


take once every 13 hours, or until symptoms subside

by Anonymous



Category: Homestuck
Genre: (it's comedic though not angst), Accidental Drug Use, Aphrodisiacs, Bad Flirting, M/M, Non-Consensual Touching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:41:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26667613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Potatoes don't agree with Karkat. Apparently, neither do the blue pills from the bathroom cabinet.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 1
Kudos: 30
Collections: Anonymous, Unofficial FFA Anon Collection





	take once every 13 hours, or until symptoms subside

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written on FFA for the prompt "100 words of your fave taking a slut pill by accident because it's the same color as their Benadryl".

"How the fuck did you not know you were allergic to potatoes?"  
  
Karkat flops in Dave's arms and grumbles something hoarse and unintelligible, before he gathers enough to reply.  
  
"I'm not allergic to _Alternian_ starchtubers, you lump of sentient drainpipe follicles. It was something in your shitty earth cooking that did it. This is exact--" he coughs, roughly, and his face is impressively ruddy and blotchy-looking, tears leaking from his watery eyes like he's shoved his face in a barrel of chili peppers. "This is _exactly_ why we should have gone slower with the cross-cultural food exchange! To avoid inadvertently poisoning each other like the world's most incompetent ambassassins."  
  
"Still, do we have to get you, like, some charcoal or some troll Benadryl or something? You're looking really fucked up right now, dude. Red in the face and everything."  
  
His expression screws up at that, and he groans. "Fuck. Seriously?"  
  
"Yeah, you're super flushed and hivey. I'm kinda fussing over you right now, like a mom over her sick kid, y'know, what's wrong with my boy, he's all sick and gross, is he gonna die, doctor? Tell me it ain't so!" Dave lets go of Karkat to make a little dramatic gesture with his hand to his forehead.  
  
"Dave?" Karkat squints through his gross teary eyes at him. "Shut the entire fuck up. My sponge clots are ringing, and I will say "please" if I have to."  
  
"Oh, no, not polite language, anything but that. It's like you're not yourself. Who is this troll in my arms? 'Cause he sure isn't my broski here, that's for sure."  
  
Karkat uses Dave's shoulder to shove himself to his feet again, and toddles a few steps over to the couch, where he collapses in a miserable-looking heap, curling up on his side to stare balefully out at the world. "Just immobilize your useless jaws for five goddamn seconds, go into the ablutions block and get the bottle of blue pills, okay? Kanaya alchemized some anti-allergen drugs for when she wanted to try Rose's weird snacks last week, so there should still be some left."  
  
"Capiche."  
  
"Fuck you."  
  
Dave stops poking him for a moment and obliges like the cool friend he is, heading off to the bathroom down the long, labyrinthine hall.  
  
The bathroom cabinets are full of weird shit he doesn't want to ask about (including a mouthwash-sized bottle of vodka he discreetly dumps down the drain), and there are about six different bottles of pills that could be considered "blue", even skipping the stuff that the trolls and their insistent hemospectrum-based color terms wouldn't count.  
  
Each bottle has been labeled with a piece of masking tape and text in permanent marker, but the writing is in Alternian, which is completely useless. Dave gives up and grabs as many as he can carry, figuring he'll let Karkat sort it out himself.  
  
Karkat looks as unhappy as before, still glaring, but now doing so from under a throw blanket and several couch pillows he's pulled over himself like camoflage. "What the fuck are you doing," he asks, as Dave uncaptchalogues a card and covers the entire coffee table in pill bottles. "Just... just give me the fucking drugs, Dave."  
  
Dave does not take the obvious opportunity for an ironic Space Odyssey joke, and instead looks over the bottles of pills. Reading the labels is a bust, so he makes a split-second choice to grab the one that looks emptiest (that means someone's taken some already, right?), and hands it over. Karkat unscrews the lid and pops a pill without looking, his eyes scrunched shut either from the taste or the fact they won't stop fucking watering.  
  
A few minutes (two minutes, sixteen seconds point one four one three...) go by. Dave drums his fingers on the coffee table as he waits for Karkat to update him on the weird alien allergen situation.  
  
There is a hand on his shoulder.  
  
Wait a minute.  
  
"Karkles, dude, what the fuck are you doing?" Dave asks, as Karkat pulls himself closer and buries his honestly still disgusting face in Dave's neck. His breath is hot on Dave's skin, and his sniffling breaths are way too close to Dave's ears for comfort. "Karkat. Hey, Karkat?"  
  
"Mnnggg," Karkat replies. Something wet and rough touches Dave's cheek and oh dear fucking christ, Karkat just _licked_ him. That is firmly the domain of one cool troll chick and one cool troll chick only, and he is not ready for that from anybody else, thank you very much.  
  
"Did those pills turn you into Terezi or something? Karkat? Karkat, dude, answer me. Come on. Is this a normal side effect of troll Benadryl or do I have to start worrying about you now?" Karkat wraps an entire arm around him, and his breathing definitely has gotten heaver, what the hell.  
  
"Hehhehehhh... Dave. Shut you beautiful fu... fucking fashe." Oh god. "Mmm. You're so... stupdid. Hhhhh."  
  
"Karkat, is this what I fucking think it is. Please tell me this is not what I fucking think it is. Not that you aren't a sweet piece of extraterrestrial booty and all, but like. Dude."  
  
Karkat's hands start exploring lower, and Dave redirects him away from some choice human junk with the firm but gentle hand of a preschool attendant telling some little kid that no, the big scissors are too sharp and for grownups only, and aw, fuck, why did he think of scissors, that is unbelievably unhelpful when he is trying not to let his alien best bro make some kind of vaguely erotic thigh-hand-sandwich, and he just _had_ to make this worse didn't he-- okay, not going there. Nope. Time for this train of thought to derail and make a u-turn all the way back to the fucking station.  
  
"Heyeey." Karkat's tongue swipes out to kiss his ear. "Dyave. Fffuck me."  
  
"Nope." Dave finally gets up, disentangling himself from Karkat's arms and stepping away from the couch. "I am not doing this. Not today."  
  
"But Daaaave.... my hungry garbag chute is ready... for yuor... spmam purpose or, whatever the fuck you called... called it," Karkat tells him from beneath the blanket, half-heartedly reaching for Dave's missing embrace. His eyes are shut, like's he's half-asleep. To Dave's growing horror, he pulls one of the throw pillow between his legs and tries to hump it, then opens his eyes just to attempt the most godawful suave wink Dave has seen in his life, and he's seen Rose flirting while drunk. "This clloud be us, Dabe."  
  
"Yeah, no." Dave shakes his head, and starts backing out of the room like Karkat is a wild grizzly that's broken into his house and claimed his sofa. "Just. Stay there, okay? I'll be back in a bit."  
  
Kanaya has some explaining to do.


End file.
